Once Again
by browneyes99
Summary: JJ/Emily friendship. involves cutting, mentions of death and suicide, trigger warning dont like dont read! When monsters from JJ's past come back to haunt her present and Emily finds her one and only escape. What will happen?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: TO ALL HAVE NOTICED I AM SO FUCKING SORRY I TOOK DOWN DOUBLE TROUBLE AND THE RETURN SHOOT ME! I DIDN'T LIKE HOW THEY TURNED OUT SO TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE REVIEWED AND DMed ME CALLING ME A BITCH AND A CUNT. I AM SORRY NEXT TIME KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF! ITS MY CHOICE TO TAKE THEM DOWN AND IM SORRY IF YOU DONT LIKE IT.**

Special Agent Jennifer Jareau woke up on her bathroom floor yet again. And the first thing she saw was blood. And a whole lot of it. JJ looked around her bathroom and saw her discarded blade about a foot away from her. As she slowly tried to stand she was forced back to the floor when she began to see double.

"Fuck," JJ mumbles trying to regain her sense of balance. She tries again to rise to her feet and this time succeeds, she slowly makes her way to the sink.

JJ stares at her lifeless face in the mirror. Her eyes traveling to the long gashes on her wrist, she sighs when she sees the ones that will be the hardest to cover. She has already been getting questioning looks from the team with her wearing long sleeve shirts in the middle of summer. JJ jumps when she hears her phone ringing from her bedside table.

JJ slowly walks to where her phone lies on the table.

"Jennifer Jareau," JJ answers sitting on her bed looking at the dry blood coating most of her arms and thighs.

"JJ we have a case, we need to be in the air within the hour," Hotch says.

"Yes sir," JJ replies her voice slurring slightly due to the massive loss of blood.

"JJ, are you okay?" Hotch asks.

"Yes sir sorry just didn't get much sleep last night," JJ says.

"Okay see you in an hour," Hotch says hanging up. JJ drops her phone o the bed and walks back to the bathroom pick up a new blade from her counter. She starts to rinse the blood from her wrist before bringing the blade down on it yet again.

JJ smiles as the blood trickles down her wrist into the sink. She loves for the few moments it makes her feel numb; she forgets all the pain and suffering in her life. From the time her sister killed herself when she was 11 she has picked up this habit of forgetting her pain. For years she had stopped and found happiness but in the past few months she has been plagued with the monsters of her past.

JJ slowly gets into the shower watching as all the blood washes off her body and down the drain. Once she finishes she wraps her arms and thighs in white gauze to stop the blood from seeping through her clothes throughout the day. As she pulls on her clothes she laughs at how stupid she looks in her outfit. Its 95 degrees out and she's in a long sleeve shirt.

As JJ is walking out of her apartment she remembers the blood dried on her bathroom floor. She is already running late and knows she won't have the time to clean it and catch the plane, so she leaves it figuring she can clean it when she gets back from the case.

When JJ pulls up to the hanger she makes sure she makes sure her shirt is covering the gauze on her arms, once she is set she grabs her go bag and loads the plane. The second she steps foot on to the plane she can feel everyone's eyes on her.

"Sorry I'm late," JJ says sliding her bag into one of the overhead compartments before taking her usual seat next to Emily away from the rest of the team.

"Hey you okay?" Emily asks noticing how pale the blonde looks.

"What?" JJ asks snapping her head up to look at the brunette.

"I asked if you were okay but judging by that I'm going to say no," Emily says turning to the younger blonde profiler.

"I'm just tired, sorry," JJ says closing her eyes as they begin to take off.

"You have been using that excuse a lot lately. You were tired last week when you over slept and come into work during lunch looking like a zombie," Emily says.

"I'm fine Em I swear," JJ says as they take off. The rest of the day passes in a blur as they work with the station to work on a profile. When they complete as much as they could the team reported to the nearby hotel.

"Yes hi we would like to check in," Hotch says approaching the desk.

"You guys are the FBI agents right?" the desk clerk asks.

"Yes,"

"Okay here are your three room keys," The clerk says handing him three keys.

"Um we are supposed to have six rooms," Hotch says.

"We only have three rooms available sir, the women I talked to said three was okay" the clerk says and Hotch nods as he returns to the group.

"We only three rooms again so Rossi you are with me, Morgan with Reid, and JJ you and Prentiss together," Hotch says handing every pair a room key. The groups make their ways to their rooms planning to meet up again in the morning. When JJ and Emily reach there room JJ claims the double bed closet to the wall and bathroom.

"Do you want to shower first?" JJ asks.

"Okay thanks," Emily says gathering her stuff up and heading to the bathroom. As soon as the door to the bathroom is shut JJ removes her blazer that was covering her long sleeve shirt that was just a little too short on the arms. JJ pulls out her pajamas from her go bag. She has just removed her shirt when Emily reemerges from the bathroom.

"Hey sorry I forgot my shampoo," Emily says coming out of the bathroom, JJ quickly pulls on her shirt hoping Emily didn't see the bandages. "Aren't you hot in that?"

"Nope," JJ says taking a seat on her bed.

"Okay," Emily says slowly. "Hey are you okay?"

"Like I told you earlier I'm just tired, I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately," JJ says.

"What's that on your arm?" Emily asks noticing a spreading red spot on her friends arm.

"Oh," JJ says noticing her bandage had started to leak. "I don't know. I broke a glass yesterday I must have nicked my arm; I probably scratched it putting on my shirt,"

"Aren't you going to check it out? Make sure it's not infected?" Emily asks getting a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"I will when I get in the shower, you don't need to see it if it's all gross and shit," JJ says.

"Okay," Emily says slowly turning back to the bathroom and closing the door behind her.

"Fuck," JJ mumbles pulling her sleeve up. JJ just stares at the blood dripping from the newly opened cut on her arm. She is so involved in the movement of the blood she doesn't hear Emily exit the bathroom.


	2. Chapter 2

Emily has known something was up with JJ for a while. She just didn't know what. Emily was glad she had Garcia get the rooms cut to three so she would be able to talk to the blonde undisturbed. As usual when they share a room JJ takes the bed furthest from the door and offers Emily the shower first. Through keep raging through Emily's brain, trying to figure out what is wrong with her friend, just as she is about to step into the shower she realizes she forget her shampoo and heads to get it. As she enters the room she sees JJ isn't fully so she looks straight to her bag allowing her to get what she needs.

After Emily completes her shower she changes and cleans up her mess he goes back into the main room and sees JJ sitting on her bed, her sleeve rolled up, and her arm on full view.

"JJ," Emily says slowly placing her stuff on the floor and approaching the blonde struggling to pull her sleeve down quickly.

"Yeah Em?" JJ asks like nothing is wrong.

"Don't," Emily says taking a seat next to her, grabbing her hands as she tries to move away. "JJ, let me see,"

"No," JJ says wiping a tear from her check.

"JJ I'm going to push your sleeves up. If you don't let me I am going to go get Hotch and make you go to the hospital," Emily says.

"If I let you see will you make me go?" JJ asks.

"If they aren't infected and or need stiches then I won't. But I am telling Hotch at the end of this case, he needs to know about this, and you need help for this as well," Emily says taking the blondes left arm and pulling the sleeve up. Emily looks at the marks covering the portion of JJ's arm she could see. Emily's eyes fill with tears as she looks at JJ's arm but she refuses to let the tears fall.

"I'm sorry," JJ mumbles.

"For what?" Emily asks.

"For this," JJ says pulling her arm away, tears running freely down her cheeks "For not having a normal mind, for having to do this over and over, for not going to anyone for help before it got his bad…. Im just sorry,"

"JJ it will be okay, and this isn't 100% your fault, it's the rest of ours too because we didn't have the guts to ask you what was wrong. I was afraid that if I asked you, you would hate me for asking and not minding my own business," Emily says giving the smaller blonde a hug.

"I… I didn't want any of you to know that's why I pretended everything was okay…. I just forgot that it's not usual to wear long sleeves in the summer," JJ says trying to force a laugh.

"You're not alone in the world with this JJ, I get what you are going through, I get the need to feel, to be alive, to forget for even just a few seconds," Emily says licking her finger and wiping it across her wrist removing the makeup concealer, revealing several long white scars. JJ reaches out for Emily's arm softly fingering the white lines.

"How old were you?" JJ whispers, looking into the brunettes eyes.

"The first time I was 13, it was an accident, I broke a glass and went to pick it up and it cut the palm of my hand. I was 14 when I started doing it more consistently. One of my friends say the cuts one day when I was 16 and told my mom, so we moved again and she put me into therapy," Emily says. "Therapy helped me a lot Jen,"

"I know I've been in it before, my mom thought I needed it after Roz died… I went to like three sessions and then refused to go back, the guy I saw said it was my fault, and that I should have been able to stop her," JJ cries leaning into Emily's shoulder.

"Listen to me JJ, you couldn't stop your sister even if you wanted to, once there mind is made up the isn't anything you can say to change that, yes you can talk them off the edge and yes you can delay them, but eventually, sooner or later the thoughts that made them suicidal in the first place," Emily says.

"I just want to die Emily, I can't take it anymore, I'm tired of the never ending battle I have had to endure for years," JJ says. "I just want it all to end,"


	3. Chapter 3

_"I just want to die Emily, I can't take it anymore, I'm tired of the never ending battle I have had to endure for years," JJ says. "I just want it all to end,"_

"JJ look at me," Emily says softly rubbing her hand over the blondes back. "I know how you are feeling. Feeling like there is no hope for you. Feeling like no one gets it. Feeling like everyone would be better off if you were dead. But that's not true Jen. We would be lost if you died. There are 4 guys down the hall who will be willing to pick you up from what ever dark hole you have fallen into and help. And Garcia don't even get me started on her. She would go to the ends of the earth to make sure you are okay. And me. Gosh Jen you are my best friend. I dont know what I would do without you. Let me help you, let the team help you JJ. Please don't give up on us,"

"I'm so tired of trying. Every day I wake up and put a fake smile on my face and no one notices how much pain I'm really in," JJ cries sobbing in to Emily's shoulder. "I just want it all to end,"

"Jen look at me, it all ending seems like the best choice but it isn't. Ending your life means you are leaving your loved ones behind, losing out on a chance to better your life. I will help you through this JJ I swear. I will be by your side every step of the way,"

"Why? Why do you care so much about me? I'm a hopeless case. I can't be fixed,"

"You are not a hopeless case. JJ with the right help and support from us you can over come this," Emily says pulling JJ closer to her letting the younger blonde sob into her shoulder. So many thoughts are running through both of there heads... Emily scared for JJ and hating herself for not realizing the signs earlier... JJ thinking Emily and the rest of the team is going to hate her forever for what she had done.

They sit like this for close to an hour before JJ moves. JJ gets up and goes to get her phone knowing Emily is watching her every move.

"I'm going to head to bed now. Can I shut off the light?" Jj asks as if the past few hours never happened.

"JJ don't act like nothing happened. There's nothing to be ashamed of I swear," Emily says as JJ shuts off the lights. JJ turns over in her bed facing away from the older agent ignoring her statement.

"Night Emily," JJ says to softly for Emily to hear. For once she drifts off in to a peaceful nights sleep.

* * *

The two agents are awoken when there alarm goes off early the next morning. JJ wakes up with a start realizing she would have to face Emily before work. JJ quickly gathered her things and headed towards the bathroom before Emily would have a chance to say anything. JJ closes the bathroom door and leans heavily against it.

"Fuck," she mumbles the events from the night before finally dawning on her. JJ grabs her bathroom bag and grabs her smaller bag that contained her razors from it. Turning the shower on to keep Emily from hearing her tears she slowly undresses and gets in bringing in the bag with her. JJ slowly removes one of the razors and places it on the upper part of her right thigh. JJ slowly presses down on the blade splitting her skin. Small red beads of blood appear in trail of the razor.

One cut.

Two cuts.

Three cuts.

The more JJ does the less she wants to stop. She is on her tenth cut when a knock at the startles her into dropping the blood soaked razor.

"JJ hurry up I need to get in there too," Emily says through the door her voice laced with worry over the younger blonde.

"Um... Okay just give me a sec almost done," JJ quickly washes her hair and body hissing in pain as the body wash seeps into the fresh cuts. Washing away the soap she steps out. Grabbing her towel she brought from home she wraps it around herself and figures since Emily knows she might as well get changed and dress her wounds in the main room while Emily uses the bathroom. A towel clad JJ steps out of the bathroom moving over to her bed.

"All yours Emily," JJ says avoiding the brunettes eyes.

"Okay... Thanks," Emily says walking into the bathroom. The second she steps in she knew JJ hurt herself. In her rush to finish she never picked up her discarded blade or washed away all the blood. Placing her stuff on the sink counter she returns to the main room to see JJ in her bday and underwear wrapping her thigh in white medical tape.

"Want some help?" Emily asks softly talking the wrap from the blonde before she could reply. "JJ I know how hard it is to stop cutting but you need to try. I want to help you but to help you, you need to let me in. You need to either move in with me or let me move in with you. I know this is a lot to deal with right now but you need help and I'm offering it,"

"Thank you but I'm a hopeless case, a lose cause, there is nothing left inside me to save. I'm a shell that needs to be disposed of," JJ says softly watching Emily's nimble fingers finish her left thigh bandage moving to the right.

"You are not a lost cause JJ. And you do not need to be disposed of. I know it seems like a dark period right now but it will get better. The light at the end if the tunnel will get closer and it will get easier," Emily says softly holding back her tears as she sees the fresh cuts on JJ's thigh.

"Stop lying. We both know your going to bail the second we finish this case and tell Hotch about how fucked up I am. Its fine I'm use to it everyone leaves me. Just finish my thigh and I'll do the rest myself," jj snaps gently crossing her arms over her chest weary of her cuts.

"Believe me or not I don't care but I'm not going anywhere Jen. I'm not going anywhere and yes we do need to tell Hotch but after wards I'm going to stay right her by your side. Everyday helping you grow stronger and become more alive," Emily says letting herher tears fall. The brunette stands up and pulls the younger blonde into a hug.

"I swear Jennifer I'm not going anywhere. Im staying right here. No matter how many times you cut or tell me you hate me or tell me to and fuck my self. I'm never going to leave your side," through her small speech the blonde let her tears and walls fall.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," JJ cries over and over into the brunette's shoulder


End file.
